Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
