Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
