at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
