Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
