what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize