Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
