yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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