Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
