At least make sure they are 18
Why
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
