im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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