1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
