life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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