I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
