I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
