Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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