There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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