after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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