Where is the hickey?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize