hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
