Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
