Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
