my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
