Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
