i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
