I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
