Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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