Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
