If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
