Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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