I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
