Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
