No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
