i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
