i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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