can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
