I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
