somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
