Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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