My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
