If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
