she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
