Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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