First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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