You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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