Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My feet surprised me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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