I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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