Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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