Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
