Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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