we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
