dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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