ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
