I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
