Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My ass is underappreciated
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
