I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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