Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
