Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
