you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
