"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
