Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
